It is the 21st century, after all, so in the spirit of full disclosure and forthright honesty I have decided to tell all, or nearly all, about my recent sessions with a mental health professional. I will call her Dr. Schmidt, although for obvious reasons that is not her real name. Here, then, is a partial transcript of the sessions.
BA: I woke from a deep sleep and I felt very troubled. I dreamed that I was on a cross country trip on a Greyhound bus. Seated next to me on one side was that guy who does the Chevy commercials. On the other side was the dude who does the Verizon ads who is always interrupting people he doesn’t know. Finally, just the other side of Oklahoma, I decided to move up front, right behind the driver. And the driver was Flo, that crazed Progressive insurance woman.
Dr. Schmidt: Why do you think that that was distressing?
BA: Well, it got me thinking. The Chevy guy kept asking me what three things I wanted most in a new truck even though I kept telling him that my 1984 Toyota had everything I needed. The phone dude kept hammering me with shit about things I have no use for. I think it means I’m watching too much baseball on TV. But the season isn’t over for another week and then there are playoffs. All the same ads over and over! I don’t want Nacho Fries!
Dr. Schmidt: Perhaps you could find another hobby. What other interests do you have?
BA: Yeah. No. I like reading, cooking, other stuff. But I can’t give this up. I’m afraid I’m having some kind of personality change. It’s weird.
Dr. Schmidt:Can you be more specific?
BA: I’ve started tolerating Alex Rodriguez. I’ve begun to accept things that I never thought I would. Like, maybe it’s okay that pitchers take up half the roster and don’t have to work out of trouble. Maybe Tony LaRussa was right. Bryce Harper. There is one sign that I am still healthy.
Dr. Schmidt: What is that?
BA: Now I can’t think of it. This is bad. I even went off on a riff about defensive shifts. I was thinking that putting corner infielders and outfielders in foul territory might speed up the game and get outs that aren’t being gotten now. Can I have some water?
Dr. Schmidt: What’s a corner infielder?
BA: And what the hell do they mean that Coors is cleaner? Crisper? Colder? How do you walk into a refrigerator and have one beer that is colder than the others? So I’ll probably be okay after the World Series. The Yankees can’t win it, can they? I mean, I like Aaron Boone and Giancarlo Stanton and C.C. Sabathia and those guys, but it has to be the Sox, right? Unless it’s the Astros. Short porch my ass (excuse me) and at least TBS for the American League but then Joe Buck oh my God!
Dr. Schmidt: Mr. Anarchy, I think we have to try to focus here.
BA: And the Dodgers, for crying out loud! Are they sure they don’t need a few more guys like maybe Felipe Vasquez? I don’t know that the DH is such a bad idea. Buck Showalter got a bad rap…
Dr. Schmidt: I’m afraid our time is up.