Sentenced to Death

It’s happy birthday time for Frank Howard and Anthony Rizzo and August 8 is also a good day to try to make succinct expressions concerning the baseball season as it speeds away from us with an exit velocity of approximately 110.7 miles per hour. First, however, we have an important announcement from your Baseball Anarchy team.Despite our best efforts to be fiscally conservative, recent increases in tariffs on parts of speech have presented us with huge challenges to maintaining an acceptable financial position. Costs on non English words have really gone through the roof. Adjectives in particular are more costly due to hoarding on the part of the advertising industry, and gerunds are just about out of the question as we attempt to stay afloat. Nouns and verbs are somewhat stable, but the overall result is that we have now had to succumb to the pressure and therefore a tiny bit of advertising copy will need to appear with each segment. These ads will be in all capital letters so that the reader can tell the difference, which is more than you can say about most venues. Thank you.

Here, then, are our one sentence appraisals of each team in MLB as we do our best to compete with the onrushing avalanche of football nonsense.

Dodgers: Their home games in the playoffs will be embarrassing to most fans thanks to the noise.
Giants: Emotional turmoil reigns as Bruce Bochy is placed on a raft and floated out on the bay toward the future.
Padres: As usual, the key words here are huh? and what?
Rockies: We hope that Bud Black gets a chance for a revival and that Charlie Blackmon finds new walk-up music.
Astros: They are so good that it’s almost boring.
A’s: This team continues to be the best in baseball at succeeding without a real ballpark or a responsible ownership.
Rangers: Hooray for Hunter Pence and aren’t they glad the Mariners exist?
Angels: Perhaps a glimmer of hope for those who like winning and not just watching Mike Trout.
Mariners: If the majors had relegation, they would be off to the Pacific Coast League.

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Diamondbacks: This is a mystery team in search for a new identity but Ketel Marte is a good start.
Cubs: They are the total opposite of a set line up team but the talent is not to be ignored.
Brewers:They would be having a hard time even with a healthy Lorenzo Cain but they also have kept a pulse.
Cardinals: Still my favorite in the Central but nothing is certain.
Reds: They are now very interesting so wait ’til next year.
Pirates: The ballpark and the fans deserve a more interested management.
Twins: A pleasant surprise early but now the surprise will be if they keep it going.
Indians: Did we all make the mistake of dismissing a Terry Francona led team again?
White Sox: We’re in pieces, bits and pieces.
Royals: They are on their way back.
Tigers: Relegation bound, to be replaced by the Toledo Mud Hens.

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Braves: Atlanta is hoping this great young squad wins now so they can start planning their next ballpark.
Nationals: Like the Braves, a good blend of youth and experience but they may be just a bit short.
Mets: What the hell is going on here—winning?
Phillies: In need of a good calming influence like Andrew McCutchen.
Marlins: Give ’em half a decade, they’ll get there.
Yankees: All they need is Whitey Ford.
Red Sox: The importance of pitching has seldom been more evident.
Rays: Get this team a place to play that doesn’t hurt players!
Blue Jays: Can we move the Rays and Jays to Vancouver or somewhere and go with 29 teams?
Orioles:Perhaps the saddest story of decline in baseball.

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