(Editor’s note: the following piece has been inspired by the clueless executives at MLB and ESPN who decided to schedule their first “prime time” baseball telecast of 2017 as a night game in Chicago which, someone should let them know, is situated pretty close to Lake Michigan)

Good evening everybody and welcome to our broadcast here from the Arby’s radio booth at Raytheon Stadium. This is Mike Swarthy and my partner Jake DeRayle will be back with the starting lineups after this word. (commercial break)
Jake: Thanks Mike and, folks, here is tonight’s lineup, brought to you as always by Sharkey’s Bail Bonds in Courthouse Square. (Jake gives the lineups)

Mike: Thanks, Jake, and we’re ready to get underway, brought to you by Osgood’s Funeral Parlor and Tobacco Shoppe. Lipschitz winds and here’s the first pitch and Olson fouls it back out of play. That foul tip was sponsored by Charles Schwab. Lipschitz fires again and this time it’s a called strike, sponsored by the UAW, whose motto is “where have we gone, anyway?” So it’s Oh and Two now and the next pitch is a high fly ball to right field where Kravitz is waiting and he makes the catch. Olson’s fly out is sponsored by the makers of RAID.
Jake: Mike, while Olson was batting I paid a visit to the restroom here at Raytheon Stadium and it was a pleasant experience, as always, thanks to the people at Charmin Tissue.
Mike: Now here is Jorge Espinosa and he swings at the first pitch and hits a UPS Ground ball to third…Regalado has it and throws oh! his throw is over Altobelli’s head at first and Espinosa is safe, just like you will be with homeowner’s insurance from Allstate! So there is a runner at first with one out and O’Brien steps to the plate, sponsored by Shenango China. Espinosa takes a short lead…Lipschitz will throw from the stretch, brought to us by the Aardvark Rubber Band Co. and here’s the pitch Oh! it gets away from the catcher Evan Gattis and Espinosa takes second base! That will be ruled a passed ball, sponsored by Metamucil…It may be time for a Slo Motion Replay, brought to us by the U.S.Senate, where the motto is “If you need a bill passed, get in line and bring money”