Exclusive Report! Senate Intelligence Testimony

Having been subpoenaed by the select U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee on Baseball, the author of Baseball Anarchy decided that, since he isn’t on Twitter, it would not do any good to refuse to testify, and so he agreed to answer questions no matter how ill informed and free of clues the questioners might be. Here, then, are some excerpts from the session as transcribed without redaction attributable to  persons having knowledge of the facts who cannot be named because they don’t remember who they are or why they were present.

 

Senator Feinstein: Isn’t it true that, back in April of 2017, you stated before this committee that the Boston Red Sox were without question the strongest team in the American League East and that, furthermore, other experts’ predictions that the Yankees would be strong were, in your words, “…bullcrap”?

BA: Thank you, Senator, and I just want to say that I consider it an honor and a privilege to appear before you today in this musty, airless room with high humidity and a lot of distinguished cockroaches. That’s really not a word I would use, Senator Hairdye. I believe I said “horseshit” but it’s been some time and a few ales ago. At the time, we had every expectation that Rick Porcello would pitch better and the offense would  produce even without Big Papi, as we refer to him in the parking tunnels. I think that no pennant has ever been won or lost  before June 20th. In fact, if you look back only 39 years…

Senator Franken: What about the Twins? You, among others, were laughing at their chances back in March, but if we look at the standings, well, once again, you were misinformed to say  the least.

BA: Well, Al, can I call you Al? Well, again, the Minnesota team lost 103 games a year ago with about the same roster. If we are going to be credible, we can’t fly in the face of results we have certainty about if we are going to predict results we have no certainty about, can we? Paul Molitor, geez, he is going to have some effect. And Joe Mauer, now there is a fellow that we’ve been tracking for a number of years now and there is no question but that, you know, the concussion thing, and Jack Morris doesn’t pitch there anymore, and it’s been a while since Kirby Puckett or Rod Carew, if you know what I mean.

Senator Feinstein: This committee is well aware of your credentials in the field, Mr. Anarchy. Nevertheless, it seems beyond comprehension that you would tell us to expect a tight race in the American League West before the Houston Astros just blew everybody out of the water, if I may get a little military here.

BA: One thing I have learned in all my years of misleading adventurists is that almost nothing can be comprehended in a group that is so dedicated to mendacity and the obfuscation of truth, the misplacement of justice, or the general misreading of the American way. Just like my distinguished inquisitors when they are on the campaign trail, I am sometimes thrown from my horse of knowledge by the irritating facts of life but, yet, we all know it comes down to pitching. And injuries could yet play a part.

Senator Harris: You stated previously that the Giants would not contend this season. Yet, you couched it in terms that seemed to want to make us believe they were not terrible. What happened there?

BA: Hindsight is 20/20, especially when you don’t know that Al Queda might force Madison Bumgarner to get on that bike or that Bruce Bochy would decide to only use Mark Melancon in save situations even though there are never save situations. And look at what Pittsburgh got for him, pretty good, huh? Did you think Ichiro would be hitting .226 now? No, and you can’t tell me that Buck Showalter knowingly put together a pitching staff that can’t get anyone out or that the Rays would still be in the league or any of that stuff. Our intelligence is only as good as our brains. Can we have lunch now?

The remainder of the testimony took place in closed session so we are now free to speculate on what was or wasn’t said.

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